Being a Kind Leader

Mark's Words of Encouragement: The rewards of kindness in today’s society.

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." ~Leo Buscaglia

Counter to what popular culture leads us to believe, active kindness is not a sign of weakness. No, in fact, it’s opposite. Being kind showcases strength, self-assuredness, empathy, compassion, greater understanding, and the ability to have a more global view, intelligence, and depth, all adding up to a more robust, multi-layered person. 

Being kind in leadership (and in all aspects of one’s life) does not make you weak, indecisive, a pushover. No, rather, it tells the world you’ll listen, you’ll be fair, and you’ll be driven by facts tempered by the individual, in-the-moment situation. It means your strong enough to voice a opinion and quick to understand, admit and apologize when you are wrong; all essential elements in today’s world.

Growing up, my grandmother would say “ You catch more flies with honey than vinegar”. This old adage really did shape me. Life is easier when you put a smile on your face instead of a frown. I saw my leadership skills grow when I learned to let the little things go, stopped internalizing a fellow worker’s small transgressions. The tipping point for me was when I started returning rude behavior with kindness, and offered a listening, rational ear instead of an equally rude retort. When I brought kindness in to my leadership toolbox, it positioned me to be more effective, more productive and at the end of the day, more fulfilled, less tired, allowing me to have greater focus on the things that really and truly matter both at work and at home. That alone was priceless. 

Kindness has to be internalized; it must come from your heart. It has to be real, transparent, meaningful and without any ulterior motive. Otherwise it will be perceived as duplicitous, knowing when to “turn on the charm”, using kindness as an end to a means. Not traits I would want to describe myself. If it is not a true part of your character, it will be readily recognized and will undermine your ability to lead and instill a culture that goes beyond the norm.

Researchers believe kindness is akin to a muscle needing strengthening through repeated use. Try some of these exercises; you’ll be amazed at the impact in your life and in those around you:

1.) Connect live, in person - not through social media. Anyone can post to Facebook but real kindness is being aware, in the moment, present, physically. Simply “liking” an organization or person on Facebook doesn’t go quite far enough, and actually acts as a sanitizer of sorts - keeping you just far enough removed, firmly rooted in your safe zone. Venture out, physically be available to others.

2.) Learn to listen. In business or at home, one of the kindest things you can do is simply listen. It allows an opportunity to be heard, which sometimes is all that’s needed. If asked for your opinion, be diplomatic in your responses. 

3.) Practice unconditional kindness. Kindness has no boundaries. True kindness is a gift given freely, whether someone appears to “deserve” it or not. Everyone is “worthy” of kindness and respect, even if you don’t particularly like them.

4.) Smile. Though sometimes it’s a Herculean effort, smiling is a booster and attitude re-adjuster for everyone, employee, co-worker, total stranger or neighbor. Everybody wins, so why not smile?

5.) Be grateful. The kindest people are truly and profoundly grateful for even the smallest things in their lives. Some have gone through enormous difficulties to arrive at that place of gratitude while others have not, but regardless of how you get there, it’s almost impossible to be unkind when you are grateful and appreciative.

6.) Be conscious of your effect on others. Everyone has bad days. Knowing this is important so we understand our effect on others. Know that a grumpy response can ruin a day in an instant is not very kind. Do not take your frustrations out on innocent bystanders – and if you do, be swift with an earnest apology. Awareness of how your behavior impacts others will help keep kindness flowing – in both directions.

7.) Connect with others, even for just one moment. Look up from your multiple electronic devices, pause for a second to actually look at someone in the eye when interacting with them. Smile and say “Thanks.” Your simple act of acknowledgement and appreciation may be the highlight of their day.

8.) As you are driving - let someone cut in front of you. Flash the aggressive driver a genuine smile, a wave and let it – and them – go. Here’s a two-fold win - the driver gets a small victory they clearly are desperate for and you can enjoy the feeling of not being quite as wound up as they must be!

9.) Quit putting yourself down. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others. Quit beating yourself up over past mistakes. Learn to show yourself kindness by forgiving yourself, learning from your mistakes, righting wrongs when possible and moving forward.

10.) Just do it. No need to broadcast. Kindness isn’t about showing off or telling the world. Just do it quietly, without fanfare. Your kind acts will become part of you, your personality. You’ll have no need to broadcast good acts; it will simply become an identifier of who you are.

11.) Know when to say no, and how to say it. Kindness is not about martyrdom. It doesn’t mean being a doormat or allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. When it comes to kindness, it’s just as important to know when to say no, and how to say it with kindness. For those who have trouble turning people down (as well as those who don’t), the most useful phrase in the English language is “I would love to but…” – it’s kind, gentle and firm – and enables you to put boundaries in place when needed.

12.) Share a laugh. Breaking the seriousness of the day with an unexpected laugh is a simple but powerful act of kindness, humanity and connection.

13.) Put yourself in their shoes. Empathy and kindness go hand-in-hand, so learn to cut people a little slack. They may be going through a rough patch, so there’s no need to pile onto their pain with harsh words or aggressive responses. In the words of Plato, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Keep this in mind to inspire your acts of kindness every day.

14.) Don’t hold back. Let honest, heartfelt compliments flow. They don’t have to be over-the-top or effusive – just a simple positive comment will do – but do get into the habit of earnestly complimenting others. There are so many small ways we can spread a little joy with kindness or a compliment.

As leaders, it takes conscious choice, moment-by-moment, to slow down, concentrating on refocusing and reframing minds, hearts, and actions away from individuality and moving toward kindness. In the era of the Selfie, with self-promotion and personal branding paramount on everyone's minds, leadership with a foundation of kindness sounds counter-cultural. This counter-culture idea helps debunk the myth that kindness equates to strength, not weakness. When Sonya Sotomayor joined the U.S. Supreme Court she gave fair warning that her politeness, her kindness, should not be mistaken for weakness. That thought strengthened and encouraged folks everywhere. Kindness of spirit, manners and politeness does not indicate weakness in your character. Indeed, kindness illustrates individuality, strength and intelligence.

Kindness in a leadership role equates to happiness. Happiness leads to success on many levels. The good feelings serve to reinforce our kind acts and make us more likely to want to perform them in the future. This is the sort of continuum I want to influence - how about you?

"As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same." ~Marianne Williamson