Founder & CEO of Reverb. Author of Female Firebrands: Stories and Techniques to Ignite Change, Take Control, and Succeed in the Workplace.
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You may bristle at the word conflict, but in fact, a certain amount of conflict is healthy. Teams that avoid hard conversations miss opportunities to hear differing opinions and can experience a false sense of harmony since people aren't comfortable expressing disagreement. People may nod along in silence while expressing discontent behind closed doors.
Here's a recent example from my own HR consulting firm. My staff and I had been brainstorming off and on for several months about a new service we wanted to launch. We had many conversations but at the end of each, we knew we hadn't quite nailed the solution that would best serve our clients. After a weekend of deep thought, I believed I finally had it!
Normalize debate and disagreement.
When I enthusiastically shared my new idea at our Tuesday morning meeting, one person said, "I think that's a great idea, and here's why..." and went on to explain her point of view. When she was finished, another member of my staff said "Well, no, I don't think that's a good idea at all, and here's why..." She went on to make several valid points. They both did. After rethinking my initial plan and incorporating their feedback, we finally came up with a service that we all felt confident enough to pilot.
You might be thinking, "How dare your staff member publicly shoot down your idea" or "Wow, you're lucky to have a team that's comfortable telling you you're wrong." When teams readily disagree, debate, and don't let hierarchy get in the way of expressing their views, this is one indicator of psychological safety.
It's something we've worked on and is still a work in progress. We created team norms that guide our interactions, and point out or own up when we make mistakes. Over the last couple of years, I'm confident we've moved from being conflict avoidant (nice) to a place where we share feedback and express disagreement (kind). This work is never done, but we're on a good path.
Teams don't start out good at conflict, but they can get better.
It's important to understand that teams don't start with the ability to engage in healthy conflict — it takes intentional time and effort. It requires leaders to role model trust, curiosity and vulnerability. With over 20 years in human resources, I can tell you I've never once met a team that started out good at conflict and hard conversations. But I've watched many teams improve their conflict competence skills.
If you'd like your team to get better at conflict, here's where I'd start.
1. Address Unwanted Behavior
If you've never talked about what healthy conflict looks like, your team probably has no idea what you expect. Some people might be too aggressive and overly direct (rude). Sometimes we make excuses for them by saying things like, "He doesn't suffer fools gladly" or "That's just how she is — don't take it personally."
I'm all for clear communication, but I draw the line at rudeness. When your team member makes a rude or aggressive remark, you've got to say something. I know you don't want to call them out or put them on the spot. Still, if you don't speak up publicly then everyone assumes this behavior is fine. After all, you're condoning it. Not sure what to say? Try one of these for starters:
• I'm surprised to hear you say that.
• Can you clarify what you mean?
• I'm sure it's not how you intended it, but that felt pretty abrasive.
2. Use Your Values
If your company has established values, there's likely something in there about respect and kindness, or healthy disagreement and winning together. Whichever of these resonates most with your team, find ways to link your values to the behaviors you expect.
For instance, we have a value of kindness. If someone makes an overly pointed remark we may ask, "Is there a kinder way to say that?" When we share written feedback, we lean on the work of Brené Brown by asking ourselves, "Is that clear and kind?"
In summary, you need to start with clear expectations and boundaries about how you want people to behave and express themselves. Organizations emulate their leaders, so the more senior or influential you are, the more important it is that you lean into and lead hard conversations. Seek out disagreement, normalize debate and reward people who constructively share what's on their minds, even and especially when they disagree.
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