Last week, a Reddit user uncovered an old Myspace page from 2008 entitled I Smell Panties. It contained a song called Lilo Fucks Stitch in which, over a rudimentary piano backing, the performer assumes the role of the beloved Disney character Stitch and details all the sexually transmitted diseases he caught following intercourse with his owner Lilo. It turns out that the page was made and abandoned by the rapper Tyler, the Creator.
It’s unclear how mortified Tyler will be by this discovery – after all, it’s no saltier than much of his commercially available work – but it’s by no means the first pre-fame celebrity Myspace page to rise from the depths and haunt its creator. There are others. So many others.
Tom Hardy
The Dark Knight Rises star’s Myspace page is a golden demonstration of everything that can happen if you free a celebrity from the clutches of publicists. It is at once utterly barmy (“I am a goldfish walking through the desert,” it reads, shortly after the bit that goes: “I could so easily be dead. My head is like a dangerous neighborhood I should never be in it without an appropriate adult”) and perfectly glorious. There are photos of Tom, but the vast majority of them show him in just his pants, duckfacing like his very life depended on it. There is a sense these days that Tom Hardy is doing his best to escape the abject sluttishness of his Myspace presence, in order to reach the giddy heights of respectability. This is genuinely a crying shame.
Harry Styles
In its current and unusably terrible incarnation, Myspace is basically a repository for three-year-old Harry Styles fansites. However, this is the original and best. Created when he was basically a child, Harry’s page contains five photos, two of which are identical chin-stroking Andy Warhol montages. There’s a blurry selfie taken in a mirror, camera flash and all. There’s a photo at dinner. But, best of all, there’s a picture with his parents. His mum and dad are simply smiling for the camera. Harry, though, is pulling a face like Jim Carrey in The Mask and daring us to imagine what a megastar he’s about to become. Unlike many celebrity Myspace pages, Harry’s is still publicly accessible. This is entirely to his credit.
Taylor Swift
Made when she was just 18, Swift’s Myspace bio reads like the confessional scene from a Nora Ephron film translated from English to Chinese and back again several thousand times. It’s like a Hank Kingsley tone poem. “In my spare time, I like to conduct random baking experiments in my kitchen and write letters to people,” it goes. And “I love surprises and hardwood floors”. And “I like to read up on weird medical problems, so if one of my friends ever complains of a headache or stomach ache, I’m probably going to spout off 12 different things that could be wrong with them. Because I’m way paranoid.” And “I’m not a big deal. At all”.
Katy Perry
Perry joined Myspace just as she became famous, but her old page still feels ramshackle and homemade. It boasts of appearances on webisodes and mentions in Penthouse. Its “Things to know about Katy Perry” section includes both “Not a vegetarian, but drives a hybrid :) hee hee” and “I LOVE rollerskating, MINATURE GOLF and ice skating :)”. Perhaps the most galling signifier of the age, however, is the fact that one of her top friends is Mika.
Lana Del Rey
Lana Del Rey’s Myspace page commits many crimes. Most egregiously, the page was made when Lana Del Rey was simply known as Lizzy Grant. Then there are her listed influences, which at one point included “Coney Island”, “Britney Spears” and “Motorcycles”. Worst of all, though, Lana Del Rey’s preferred choice of font was Impact, which meant you couldn’t look at it for more than five seconds without getting a cluster migraine.
Tom Hiddleston
Correctly deleted at the moment he became famous, Hiddleston’s Myspace offers a tantalizing peek at a tormented soul. The results of his Superhero Personality Test reveal him to be 85% The Flash and 67% Supergirl. He lists his general interests as “the usual”, which clearly means he has no general interests. Also, it’s very important to point out that one of his favorite films is listed as Meet the Fockers.
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