On Manly Drinking

A simple and opinionated guide.

7 min readJul 11, 2018

I think men are told too often that drinking alcohol is only manly if you’re drinking the right stuff. We’re also told to drink in moderation, but we’re also also expected to ‘hold our liquor’; the combination of those messages loosely translates to ‘drink as much as you possibly can without appearing too drunk or getting arrested’. I think that’s confusing and dumb, so I want to suggest a few practical guidelines for enjoying adult beverages in a way that is proper and respectable.

A disclaimer: I don’t consistently drink like a gentleman. Of course I don’t, and you don’t either. That’s why you clicked this: you’re thinking to yourself, ‘Hmm, I bet I could learn something by reading this’ or ‘Hmm, I bet this guy is completely wrong so I’m going to read this and destroy him on Twitter’. I’m not better than you or smarter than you; I do want to be a better and smarter person though, so I decided this would be a fun topic to research and write about. Don’t get hung up on the fact that I’m writing another semi-pretentious Medium post and focus instead on gleaning any useful nugget of wisdom from my ramblings. I’m sure there’s something worthwhile in here somewhere.

Also, I have no interest in recommending specific cocktails or judging you for ordering an Appletini. The aim of this post is to talk about the finer points of consuming beverages made for grown-ups, not about how they taste.

Cocktails

Let’s start where a night out on the town usually starts, with a cocktail.

To be clear, I’m not factoring in Liquor + Coca-Cola combinations here. I’m talking about cocktails that are difficult to make, that a talented bartender is only able to make because he/she is dedicated to the craft and takes pride in their work. So, in light of the labor-intensive process of creating these cocktails, let me introduce a short list of rules for enjoying cocktails:

Cocktails are for sipping. They take a long time to make (compared to say, pouring a beer) and if you’re at any bar or restaurant that is worthwhile, they’re nuanced and full of surprises. You will miss out on all the nuance and all the surprise if you down it in 2–3 gulps. Don’t be that guy.
You don’t need more than two cocktails. In fact, I’d go so far as to say you don’t need more than one, especially not before dinner. Enjoy the one, then order some food and move on to something that compliments whatever you’re eating. I have never thought ‘Wow that Manhattan really paired well with the [insert literally any food here]’.
Cocktails are not for getting you drunk. That’s what shots are for. I also think that taking shots at a restaurant is never appropriate; that’s a thing you do at a bar. Make sure to check your surroundings first, and ask yourself ‘Am I at a bar, or a restaurant?’
If you’re at a place known for cocktails, order a cocktail. If you’re at a fancy restaurant and everyone at the table is ordering cocktails but you don’t want one, now is not the time to grab a beer or order a shot. Instead, don’t order anything and wait for the right time to order a beverage you do like. An easy way to do this without being awkward is to simply tell the waiter that you’re fine with water for now. They’ll ask again.
Don’t drink through the stupid cocktail straw. Just take it out. You’ll end up chasing it around the glass anyway, and it’s likely to get clogged or poke you in the face.

Beer

Now that we’ve had our first drink, let’s continue our spirited (har har har) discussion of manly consumption by switching from liquor to beer.

There are so many crafty beardy beer bros that are trying to make sure you never suffer through another Bud Light that it can be intimidating to ‘dive in’ and try to find your perfect brew. Despite being one of those people, I won’t contribute to the fray by recommending a particular style of beer; rather, I’d like to keep us focused on drinking in respectable, manly ways. Here are some rapid-fire tips for beer-ing.

Asking questions does not make you dumb. If you’re at a restaurant, the waiter shouldn’t have any trouble helping you find a drink, but if you’re with a beer snob you can just ask them. Oh-em-gee they will be so eager to help you.
Don’t be so nervous to ask for help that you end up ordering a beer that is awful-tasting, or worse, is completely inappropriate for the situation. Some completely inappropriate situations for Bud Light include, but are not limited to, the following: first date, second date, third date, any date, drinks with coworkers, networking events, client dinners, any time that you are not in a lawn chair or on a pontoon boat.
For some reason, lots of restaurants still ask you if you’d like your beer poured in a glass (when they don’t have it on draft). You do want it poured in a glass. Imagine ordering a bottle of wine and your dinner companion drinking directly from the bottle. You would think that was strange. Don’t be the one drinking out of a bottle or can while everyone else is drinking out of cups.
Craft breweries are everywhere, so a fun way to get to know the makers in your city or someone else’s is to ask what local beers are on tap. Patiently listen to the descriptions, then pick one and enjoy the experience of ‘drinking local’.

Wine

I think wine is a little less complicated than beer–at least at entry level. Imbibing any form of alcohol can become as senselessly complex as you’d like it to be, though. For the purposes of this post, let’s look at a few ways to wine like a man.

Smell the wine, swirl it around in your glass, and then take a sip. This is not lame or pretentious. It does actually enhance the experience of wine, and the winemaker wants you to do these things to enjoy the product they’ve crafted for you. Doing this at the table with your dinner companion shows that you’re not in a rush and you’re able to appreciate the finer things in life. Am I being hyperbolic? A little, but not a lot.
If you’re in a situation where you are left to refill your own glass, hold the bottle by the base and refill your glass to below halfway. There are science reasons to do this (‘let the wine breathe’ and all that) but pouring a little looks classier than pouring a lot.
Just like beer, or any menu item really, asking questions does not make you dumb. The restaurant has likely chosen wines that pair well with a majority of their dishes, but there are certain pairings that you’ll miss if you don’t ask. Drinking the right wine with a dish is a special kind of magic trick, and if you’re thoughtful enough to ask and follow advice then you may get partial credit for the trick.
If the waiter brings the bottle to you to check or pours a little for you to taste, just go through with it. It is awkward. Politely sip, smile, and nod your approval. When the waiter leaves, you can confess to your date that you have no idea what you’re doing and that for all you know the wine is poisonous.
Always offer to refill the glasses of others before your own.

Nightcap

I’d like to wrap up this post with a night cap, which is also my favorite way to end an evening whenever I can. There’s this wonderful post I found about nightcap rules, so I’ll let you read that one yourself. But since you’re here, I’ll expand on a couple from that list and add my own.

“A nightcap should be a one-off, not “one more” of whatever you’re drinking.” Boom! Enough said.
“A nightcap should also be brown” — meaning this is not the time for vodka. In my opinion, it is rarely the time for vodka, but I promised not to talk about taste here.
If dinner is done and you’d like to continue the conversation, a night cap is a great way of saying “I’d like to keep talking, but I’m aware that the night is coming to a close.”
The best night cap is the one at your house before you go to bed. It’s a great way to reflect on your day or night and tell your mind that it’s time to be quiet.

The last bit of ‘wisdom’ I’d like to share is about watching your Ps and Qs. You should always endeavor to keep your wits about you when you’re out drinking, especially with a lady. Just because doctors say men can have two and women can have one doesn’t mean you drink twice as much as your lady friend. You’ll end up telling a story you wish you hadn’t or simply looking silly, so do yourself a favor and drink in moderation.

Alternatively, if you have a problem with alcohol or are worried that you might, the manliest thing you can do is to refrain from consuming it at all. There’s no shame in that game, that’s for sure.

Drinking like a man should be about drinking in a way that is respectable and enjoyable, not just for yourself but for the people with you. Cheers!

…of course he ended with ‘cheers’, i saw that coming from a mile away…