With two children old enough to play organized sports and another still in the minor leagues (a.k.a. diapers), my husband and I have several years of spectatorship under our belts and, most likely, many, many more in our future. These events have often been as idyllic as I had hoped they'd be when we moved from New York City to the suburbs of New Jersey – complete with flannel shirts and steaming cups of coffee on crisp autumn mornings.
And while we've generally enjoyed the fresh air, the quality time, the friendly competition, and the company of new and old friends, there are always some parents there who are … considerably less enjoyable. Here, some of the worst specimens you are most likely to encounter on the sidelines:
1. The Cheerleader
We all know how important encouraging our children is, but this character takes it to a whole new level. Let's bring it down a notch — I promise your daughter won't end up in therapy because you neglected to cheer for how well she tied her shoes.
2. Tough Love Dad
On the other end of the spectrum is this guy, whose brand of "encouragement" includes constantly berating his son (it's almost always a son). Unsurprisingly, this does not result in improved performance, but does succeed in making everyone within earshot extremely uncomfortable.
3. The Nervous Wreck
If they sold shin guards for playing Xbox, this woman would have a pair for everyone in her family. She is certain that her precious angel is going to break a leg, sprain a wrist, or suffer a concussion if anyone so much as glances in his direction. And she won't be convinced otherwise, so your best bet is just to leave her to bite her nails in peace.
4. The Documentary Filmmaker
I'm just going to tell myself that you and your son are going to review the endless game footage that you're taking on your cell phone after the game. Otherwise, I would have to entertain the possibility that you're going to make someone else watch video of every second of this tee-ball game. And that sounds horrible.
5. Glory Days Dad
Run, don't walk, when this guy starts talking about the good old days when he was the third string quarterback at community college. At the very least, make sure that you're wearing sunglasses so that you don't have to appear interested in hearing the story about how he "would've gone pro if only…" Extra points if he's wearing gear from his alma mater or a pro jersey with his name on it.
6. The Verbal Abuser
Somebody get the Documentary Filmmaker back over here, because this guy's obscenity-laced ranting at the (volunteer) officials and coaches could definitely go viral. Or end up on the evening news.
7. The Over-Nourisher
Every time the game stops for a second, this parent is force-feeding bites of a PowerBar and gallons of Gatorade to her delicate offspring.
8. The Amateur Umpire
This guy has memorized the official Little League rulebook and he wants everyone to know it. When he's not invoking obscure regulations or challenging calls, he's talking about starting a petition to introduce instant replay in order to improve the accuracy of the officiating. He's so concerned with fairness, you're not sure which team his kid is on, or if he even has a child playing in the game at all.
9. Loud Cell Phone Mom
Holy cow, lady. It's bad enough that we're all freezing our asses off while watching a pack of clueless 4 year olds chase the ball up and down the field. But having to listen to your detailed breakdown of the lobster ravioli you had last night is just cruel and unusual punishment. I know this isn't exactly the World Cup, but can't you at least have the decency to silently catch up on e-mails and check Facebook like the rest of us?
10. The Superfan
If you're painting your face the colors of a team that's sponsored by a bagel store, it may be time to take a step back. As parents, we all go through life acutely feeling our children's triumphs and tragedies. But when the other team scores, it shouldn't sound like you're passing a kidney stone. Taking wins and losses in stride not only models good sportsmanship, it also helps prepare our children for the end of the season when, win or lose, every kid will get the same godforsaken participation trophy.
