At the most recent Apple Event, Tim Cook and company went all out: we're talking Apple pencils, a new iPad that's the size of a MacBook with no keyboard, Lana Del Rey. It had everything. On top of all those announcements, another round of emojis were released, and there is quite the contender for horniest emoji of all time: woozy face. While Apple might be selling "woozy face" as the expression you make when you're sick, we all know what woozy face actually is: the elusive orgasm face. Look at that expression. Googly mouth (not associated with Google), twitchy left eye, mismatched eyebrows: that's an emoji that has been treated well. But do we need something so obtusely suggestive in 2019? Isn't there something that could do the job in a less obvious way?
Eggplant has had its day in the sun for far too long, like Kanye West or Crocs. Remember that period of time when #EggplantFriday existed and for a brief and shining moment, Instagram was just a flood of PG-13 dick pics? The eggplant is naughty, and that's just not a world I want to live in anymore. So I searched through the extensive Apple Emojipedia, which seems to grow by the day. Surely, of all these emojis, there's one that can do the job just as well as the overused aubergine of lust.
After some investigating, I eliminated Gemini emoji (the thinking man's 69), squirt water emoji (gross), and Moon Face (this is honestly more of a personal thing), and that left me with something incredible: the sexy emoji that 2019 is thirsting after.
Introducing: Flag Up Mailbox, But Sexy
This is my formal campaign to exalt good old Flag Up Mailbox to the mountaintop. In my assessment of horniest emojis, I found Flag Up Mailbox to be the ultimate quick-sign that you’re ready to get to business. Flag Up Mailbox gives you everything: a phallic symbol standing at attention, a place to put things, the romanticized notion of writing someone a letter. Eggplant might be who you go home with at the end of the night, but Flag Up Mailbox is what you send to say, "You're sexy, but also I'd be fine if you stayed around for breakfast."
You might be asking: why now? Why is Flag Up, Mailbox what I need? I am so happy you've inquired. To be frank, shooting someone an eggplant emoji is a little presumptive: it's the unprompted dick pic of emojis. Guess what doesn't fly in our evolving society? Unsolicited dick pics. But Flag Up Mailbox is both suggestive and respectful at the same time.
How to Use Flag Up Mailbox
Flag Up Mailbox has a couple of different functions. Most commonly, it's available to say, "I've got a package waiting, if you want it." It doesn't assume that the package will be received, but it's a literal flag up to inform a potential partner that it's there, if they're interested. Flag Up Mailbox can also be used as a subtle play within sexting. Get a particular racy message or picture sent to you and don't quite know how to respond? Send Flag Up Mailbox. You're saying, "Oh, you've got my attention now!" See how subtle and not presumptive that is?
Flag Up Mailbox is 2019's horniest emoji because it relies on consent, and consent is sexy. It's an emoji that requires its recipient to meet you half way. Yes, the package is available, thus, the raised flag. But if your recipient wants the package, they must come and pick it up.
So take Flag Up Mailbox and send it to someone you love. Or send it to someone you lust, because just wait—Flag Up Mailbox is the sexiest emoji you can overnight to someone in 2019.
